“I hope it wasn’t too tough getting here,” the voice was deep and smooth and perfect, the kind that would narrate a documentary.
“N-not at...at all...” Ned stammered, taking in the sight of this Greek god before him. The profile pictures didn’t do Adrian justice. It felt impossible; he was waiting for the living Renaissance statue across the table to admit that he only agreed to this date as a cruel prank.
“Right about now,” said the tiny voice in Ned’s ear, “I’m guessing you’re wondering how this could really be happening. Trust me, it is. You’re way more attractive than you think you are.”
Ned made a skeptical noise which reminded him of a horse trying to whinny and not quite getting there. In his ear, Janine ran her hand over her face. Adrian appeared flummoxed.
“Are you okay?” Adonis Jr. asked.
“Yeah, just, uh...something caught in my throat.”
The pause lasted about two thousand years.
“So!” Ned did his best to restart, or start, the momentum. “How do you...I mean, do you...”
“How do you like the city?”
“How do you like the city?” Ned mimicked, trying his best to make it sound natural and spontaneous.
“It’s great! It’s just hard to meet people, you know?”
“Yeah, right,” snarked Janine. “Like this guy has trouble meeting anybody.”
“Quiet!” Ned muttered.
“Excuse me?!” Adrian asked.
“Quiet! I mean....quite! It’s quite...noisy in here.”
“Do you want to go somewhere else?”
“How about a walk in the park?” Janine said, and Ned repeated it.
“Sounds great!”
“And afterwards, how about we fuck like bunnies in the – mrphgh!” Ned ever-so-gently rubbed the curve of his ear, stopping Janine before she got any further.
* * *
It was much quieter in the park, not that the restaurant had really been that loud in the first place.
“It’s a nice day! You know, taking a walk in the park is a much better date than lunch. You made the right call.”
Janine made a self-satisfied noise in Ned’s ear that was somehow more annoying than the smart-ass remarks she’d been spouting so far.
“Thanks! It is way easier to carry on a conversation here,” Ned replied, doing his best to ignore the tiny tickling sensation in his ear as Janine reclined in the curve.
“You know, when you first asked me out, I could hardly believe it.”
A tiny voice in his head answered “of course you were surprised, why would a loser like this ask you out?” This tiny voice wasn’t Janine.
“Why’s that?”
“I just...I don’t have the courage to approach someone like that. Social situations make me anxious, just so you know. That kind of confidence is really attractive.”
“Whoa, did your heart just stop beating? Do you need to tell this guy to call an ambulance?” Janine sounded genuinely concerned, even if the phrasing was as sarcastic as ever.
“Well, uh, thanks.”
“Don’t let up!” Janine all but yelled, making Ned wince. “Say something confident right now! Tell him he has a nice ass!”
“I just couldn’t help but...I mean, we seemed to get along so well, and...”
“NICE. ASS. NOW. SAY IT.”
“You’re a really nice guy, and...”
“Yes?” Adrian asked; Ned’s heart raced, his stumbling was losing him fast. “I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you at the office, and...”
“NICE! ASS! NICE! ASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!”
“WOULD YOU BE QUIET AND LET ME THINK?!” Ned exploded.
“Excuse me?!” Adrian asked, mouth agape.
“Why did you say that out loud?!”
“Because you wouldn’t stop yelling nice ass at me, that’s why! For fuck’s sake! You were supposed to help me get through this and all you can come up with is “nice ass?!” Shit, I could have done better on my...”
“DUCK!”
Ned did as he was told instinctively, crouching on the ground, pulling down Adrian with him.
“What the FUCK, Ned?!” Adrian demanded, as a mallard walked by.
* * *
“I just really like ducks,” Janine explained, standing in Ned’s palm, looking up at the two giants and, eyes resting on Adrian and feeling more than a little jealous. That smile could burn a hole through the fabric of reality.
“So...you were anxious about the date and you asked – Janine, was it? – to sit in your ear and coach you through it like some tiny Cyrano de Bergerac?”
“Hey!” she protested.
“Oh, you know what I meant!”
Ned nodded, ashamed, and certain that this ship was sunk.
“Well...that’s...weird.”
Ned started to walk away.
“Where are you going?”
“I...just assumed this was over...?”
“Listen, I don’t meet a lot of guys I like. I’m willing to forgive a late 19th century cliché (or 20th century sitcom, if you prefer) as long as your heart’s in the right place. It seems like it is.”
“I told him it was a dumb idea!” Janine piped up.
“It was YOUR idea!” Ned nearly yelled.
“Enough, you two,” Adrian stepped in. “Janine, you seem like a nice woman. And it’s really...nice of you, to help a friend, being his...wingwoman, and all. But how about we try again tomorrow, start over, and you sit this one out?”
“Really?!” Ned asked, feeling like he’d just won the lottery.
“Really,” Adrian assured him.
“Fine by me,” said Janine. “I just have one question.”
“What’s that?” Adrian asked.
“Do you have a brother? An identical cousin?”
“It wouldn’t work,” he replied.
“He’s not into women either?”
“He’s not into tinies.”
“Can’t a girl catch a break?!”
“Sorry, Janine,” Ned spoke up, “maybe I can take you out somewhere soon where you’re more likely to meet somebody.”
“You’d better,” she said, “you owe me one."