Audrey looked across the dimly lit wine bar at the row of empty tables stretching out to the patio. It was midweek and only a few couples sat outside, enjoying the summer night. Her friend sat across the table, wearing a shimmery copper minidress that flattered her athletic build; legs crossed, languidly rocking a long, shapely calf, studiously texting on her phone.
“Thanks Nicole for coming with me tonight.” The woman looked up smiling through a tangle of chestnut hair. “Why of course I’d come, you’re my BFF.” She warmly replied.
Audrey sighed, and looked down at her smartphone. “He’s supposed to be here,” she muttered.
Nicole reached over and put her hand over her friend’s. “Relax, it’s only been ten minutes. He’ll show. If not, it’s his loss.”
“I guess.”
“So, if he arrives, I’ll hang out for ten minutes. If things are going well, I’ll head over to Trinity. If not, you’ll make an excuse and come with.”
“Fine,” Audrey replied.
Nicole’s hand shot forward and snatched Audrey’s phone from her hand. “You’re such a rude brat!” Audrey exclaimed with faux irritation.
“Well, you didn’t show me his profile pics!”
Nicole laid a finger on her cheek and scrolled through the images. “I love his dark hair, and scruff. He looks tall. Is he tall?”
“He’s 6’3” according to his profile.”
“Frowning, quizzically, Nicole looked up and asked, “What kind of name is Gurdilo?”
“Yeah, it’s weird. Maybe a nickname?”
“So, what does he do?”
Audrey shifted in her chair and crossed her legs, smoothing the wrinkles of her dress, she answered without looking up. “He said he works with the government.”
“Oh? Which ministry?”
“He didn’t say,” Audrey replied.
“What school did he graduate from?”
Audrey stared across her glass at her friend who was growing more annoying by the minute. “I don’t know Nicole. We only texted briefly.” Audrey replied sharply.
“Oh,” Nicole replied sensing her friend’s irritation. “He’s hot, but his profile is so basic. I mean seriously, hiking? Why does everyone say they like hiking as an interest? Are all these men out there hiking? Maybe if we hiked, we’d meet more guys.”
Despite her felt annoyance, Audrey giggled at her friend’s snarky commentary.
“It’s 8:15, I say we give your basic, mysterious hookup another 15 minutes before we bail.”
“Nicole it’s not a hookup”
“Are you sure about that Drey? I see you got your girls out for show and tell.” Nicole replied with a subtle smirk.
Audrey’s face flushed with embarrassment at her friend’s remark and she self-consciously crossed her arms over the décolletage of her low-cut dress. Maybe the little black dress with the spaghetti straps was too much, she thought.
“Nicole, you can be such a bitch sometimes! You told me if this didn’t work out, we’re going to a club. I’m dressed for a club!”
“I’m only making an observation.” Nicole replied with a smile.
“He’s not a hookup,” Audrey repeated, “That’s not what I want.”
She looked up at her friend and grinned. “So, no longer playing the field?”
Audrey frowned, and grabbed her phone, “There’s nothing wrong with having relationship goals,” she replied.
“Well, I’m just saying your hottie may have a hookup in mind.”
“If that is the case…what?” Audrey noticed her friend staring at a spot on the floor.
“Did you see that?”
“See what?”
“There was a flash of light next to your foot.”
Audrey looked down at the floor. As if on cue, a small streak of light shot up and burst into a glowing ball above her left ankle. The ball of light floated back to the floor, illuminating her wrap-around sandal, and landing next to the base of its four-inch heel. As the light landed she noticed a tiny man frantically waving his arms.
“Shit!”, Audrey exclaimed, quickly folding her legs underneath her.
Nicole stood and peered at the floor. Both women watched as the tiny figure advanced towards Nicole’s feet.
“What the hell? It’s a Lilliputian!”, Nicole gasped incredulously.
Audrey watched as the tiny man waved up at her. “Ewww,” she sniffed with disgust. She looked up at Nicole, “How did it get here?”
Nicole shrugged, “Dunno. I know the delegation’s at the palace for the talks, but they’re not allowed out of their diplomatic box.”
Audrey grimaced as the creature continued waving. “So gross.” She looked at Nicole, “Step on it.”
Nicole shuddered at the suggestion. “You step on it,” she squealed, “I hate killing bugs!”
“Fine!” Audrey huffed, “You’re such a big baby.” The redhead swung her legs over, and coldly looked at the tiny man at her feet. Raising her foot slightly off the back of her heel… “Drey, stop!”
Audrey paused, the toe of her sandal precariously posed over the cowering man.
“What?” she replied.
“Umm… I think that’s your date.”
Audrey looked at her friend, “Seriously?”
“Yeah, it did try to get your attention.”
“What the fuck! Seriously?” Audrey exclaimed. Mouth agape, she looked down to see the man now running away at a slow crawl. Nicole abruptly block his path with her foot and giggled when he ran into the sole of her gladiator stiletto. The man staggered and fell to the ground.
The man, only half as high as the tip of her big toe, slowly stood, his gaze travelling up the enormous sandal-clad foot, past her skyscraper-sized legs to the thin lacey juncture between her thighs.
Surmising the reason why the tiny man stood transfixed, she looked at Audrey and chuckled, “I do believe the little pervert is looking up my dress.”
Bending low, Nicole deftly plucked the Lilliputian off the floor and dropped him on the table. Laughing, Nicole exclaimed, “Drey, here’s your date.”
Audrey glared at her friend, “It’s not funny Nicole.”
“I’m sorry Drey, it actually is.”
Audrey leaned over, putting her forearms and hands on the table. Her auburn hair formed a thick curtain on each side of the man. He painfully rose and waved his hand. She could now see that he was wearing black pants, a white shirt and a belt, with minuscule pouches and gear. She couldn’t make out his face, but he held himself like the figure in the profile. It was like looking down at a friend from a tall height, indistinct but recognizable.
Audrey subtly menaced the minikin with her index finger. She arched an eyebrow and said, “Gurdilo, I presume?”
The man bowed with an elaborate flourish.
“I can’t hear him,” Audrey stated.
“I expect not,” Nicole replied. “The anthropology lab uses special microphones with its specimens.”
“Drey, I have an idea. Call my phone.” Nicole took her earbud out of her clutch. Pressing a button, she set the small device next to the man.
“Ok, turn up your sound, and turn on your camera.”
Audrey handed her phone to her friend who propped it up to face the tiny man. Pleased with her ingenuity, Nicole looked up with a grin. “Now we can talk.”
Due to the man’s size, the image was slightly blurred, but Audrey was able to make out his features. Her phone picked up a small, high-pitched voice. “You must be Audrey. Your profile pics don’t do you justice. I’m Gurdilo Shefin,“ he said in accented Brobdingnagian.
Audrey looked up at Nicole, “Wow! Just Wow. I don’t even know where to begin. My date’s an insect!” Audrey put her face in her hands and exclaimed, “Goddess! What’s wrong with me!"
“C’mon Drey, this might be fun.” Nicole looked at the phone, “So, Gurd, I’m gonna call you Gurd, your name’s a mouthful.”
The Lilliputian interrupted, “Pardon, Nicole is it?”
“Yes”
“My Brobdingnagian is very bad. Do you speak Gulliverian?”
“Well enough,” the giant woman answered in English, “It’s a dead language, but a required subject.”
Audrey rolled her eyes, “It’s called “English”. Gulliver spoke English and some French. And it’s hardly a dead language! Gulliver’s visit to Brobdingnag happened only 50 years ago.”
Nicole waved her hand, “Yes, yes, Drey, you majored in history. Now don’t bore your little beau with dull trivia.” She teased.
Nicole ignored her friend’s angry glare and turn her attention back to the Lilliputian.
“Gurd, how did you access our wavenet? How did you even get here?”
Gurdilo made a show of looking at his nails, and answered nonchalantly, “Oh, I have my ways, Lilliputian men are quite capable” he said with a lecherous smile.
Nicole stifled a laugh and looked up at Audrey, “Behold, the insane overconfidence of the Lilliputian male. You almost squashed him, and he still thinks he’s man enough for you.”
Gurdillo bristled, “It’s not overconfidence. Regardless of my size, you’re a woman; in the natural order of things, I’m more than enough to take care of your simple needs.”
Both women burst out laughing, the sound of which drove Gurdillo to his knees, clasping his ears.
Audrey stared intently at the man and toyed with him with her index finger. “I get it Gurd, you’re thirsty for big women, but how’s this supposed to work?”
“Baby, I’m quite skilled, I’ve pleasured many Brobdingnagian women.”
Both women snorted and held their hands over their mouths, Gurdillo oblivious to their amused contempt, confidently looked up at the towering women.
“I told you he wanted a hookup,” said Nicole laughing.
Still giggling, Audrey put her chin in her hand and said, “Nicole, your good with math. Can you give my tiny hottie a reality check?”
“Sure”
Audrey gave Gurdillo a sultry look and made lazy circles around the Lilliputian with her finger. “So, I’m 5’6, and 120 pounds, how big does that make me to him?”
Nicole chewed on a finger and looked up in thought, “Hmmm, height is easy, determining weight though…Hold on let me use my phone.” Looking up, Nicole smirked. “You’re just shy of 800 feet and weigh in at 180 thousand tons.”
“Hmm, I probably should lose a few thousand tons.” Audrey replied. She pushed the man with a slight nudge of her finger. Arms flailing in a futile attempt to remain standing, Gurdillo fell flat on his back.
“Strip Gurd.”
“Wha…What?” he sputtered with indignation.
“I want to see what makes you so special. You must be special if you can make an 800-foot-tall woman cum.” Audrey cooed seductively.
“Oooo, I do too,” said Nicole. “Strip for us little man!”
“Bu…But, we’re in public!”
“Seriously? Whining like a little boy is so unattractive. You can either take off your clothes, or I will, with my…giant…fat…fingers.
The Lilliputian quickly rose and tore off his clothing. Audrey looked down at him with a bemused smile, flicking his clothes off the table one by one.
“What are you doing?” Gurdillio cried.
“If you want to fuck a goddess, you better be prepared to make sacrifices” Audrey replied.
“We’re goddesses now?” Nicole asked laughing, Audrey gave her a knowing smirk.
Both women looked down at Gurdillo, naked, holding his hands over his crotch, looking even smaller dwarfed by their enormous fingers.
Audrey raised a manicured pink nail to the Lilliputian’s crotch, “Gurd, show me what’s between your legs.” She commanded. The man lowered his hands exposing his miniscule stiff cock.
Nicole laughed loudly, causing the man to fall in pain. “I think that’s for you Drey,” she gasped between peals of laughter.
Audrey picked the Lilliputian up with her thumb and index finger. She studied the tiny man as he clung to her finger. “So puny,” she mused. “Goodbye Gurd.” She said disgustedly. Gurdillo raised an arm in futile resistance as she gently blew him off her finger and watch him tumble to the floor.
“I really hate being catfished,” Audrey said angrily as she stood up.
“I’m sorry Drey”
“It’s fine Nicole, let’s go.”
Audrey looked down at the tiny man writhing in pain on the floor. The figure disappeared under the shadow of her big toe. A tiny spray of gore exploded from under her sandal as she walked away.